Inevitable

Well it is inevitable.  I have tried to avoid this post for the greatest portion of life post Cricket as possible, but I can no longer repress my thoughts. It seems so damn fitting that he should be here to read it and indulge himself in being my lab partner...but oh touche...its really quite funny how life throws turbulent waves of well... unexplained shit in your face. So, you my reader will have to make an attempt to fill in the gaps.

I learned majority of what I know about your lifestyle from him. He carried it into the most nonsexual vanilla version possible for me and patiently stood there and answered my questions, slapping me across my face and torturing me in every way possible until I understood. One day it clicked. I got it, understood my role and what I was to do. Our relationship changed forever that day. Anyhow, the point of this has nothing to do with telling you how my best friend was a jaded version of my master...instead it is to share my journey since that day.

He left, in essence actually died and there is no bringing him back. He left me a part of him hidden in Mallory and at least she attempts to try and salvage what is left. I think she does it mostly for my sake, but her motives are foreign to me. I left too, I gave up my life because it was no longer worth living, keeping up a dead dream.

At first I mimicked him, I lived relentlessly and out of control. I slept in my car and showered in truck stops and gyms. I was angry at the world and very violent, sometimes it even appeared that I didn't even value myself because of the situations I put myself into. I still had absolutely no desire to care about people, more than ever I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to beat them and cut them, watch the blood trickle down their skin. I wanted to be evil and toy with their psyche, just to see them cry. I wanted to control them.

 I learned how weak men really are. They are not going to ever live up to my standards of a prince charming. Ever. All because of the shit dangling between their legs. I got beat up once or twice by different people with problems far worse than I have and realized, I needed to change. Stop feeling sorry for myself and damn Cricket for leaving me to the lowest ranks of hell possible.  I did.



I took on subs for all the wrong reasons. I had the time of my life toying with their emotions and their dicks. Until one left. He was my first one ever. He didn't really leave me, he went to jail. But it pierced my heart enough to realize that these people are just like me. Though I am embarrassed to admit it, we are human. In an instant, every damn teaching from Cricket came flooding back to me: the majesty of humanity, the black light bug, and atrocity. After spending a month out in the wilderness of the west and over analyzing everything, I calculated a new path for myself. I realized I transformed into an atrocity and needed to dig myself out of that feeling.

I decided to breathe. I let it go and over a small period of time was ready to move on. I was beginning to change my perceptions and my choices. I became much more positive as I exhaled all of the negative energy I had harbored since the untimely death of my beloved lab partner. I reached out to Mallory and she was changed, her world that was so far away from me changed her, but my world had changed me. She tempted me to go back to my ways many times by telling me of all her adventures, but more than anything....I cringed. It is no lie, I was jealous, she had everything I once wanted, but then she showed me the consequences she paid for it. She had no idea who she really was. I also denounced the ideals of BDSM completely and chalked it up in my head to being eccentric...never attaching the label to myself and never really wondering why I was drawn to it in the first place.

Until I met him. This seems so extremely de ja vue as I sit here and type this,like I have typed it before, but I swear it is different. He is different. He is normal, he wears fancy dress shirts and a tie. He is not scrawny and his hair is neatly groomed, he has facial hair. He reads books like it's nobody's business and he has a very prestigious job. At first he appeared cautious and naive, even boring. I almost passed him by because of his apparent lack of confidence. I was so bored though, that I immediately reverted back to my ways of being in charge. I controlled the situation  and asked him to question his "apparent" insecurities. It lead to the second greatest night of my life.

Those of you whom have been graced with my presence know all to well how open minded and thought provoking I can be when engaged in an intellectual conversation. He matched me! He dominated me but it was so gentle that I craved more from him. He actually gained my respect within 4 hours as to when I would normally be exiting in this time frame. He put me in my place and demanded my respect without even touching me. My mind is still spinning off of this and I am not sure how coherent it will be but here it goes.

He demanded me to do things that I totally despise, things that make me feel degraded because of notions from my past, yet I did them the best that I could.  At times I was crying and inflicting pain on myself just to get through it and stay out of my head. He was never mean, yet he didn't give me completely what I am used to demanding. He was very in control of the situation and kept me 100% in the present.  I did not get off.  He gave me every element of what I wanted and I submitted myself to him.

Today, it's driving me mad not to be able to control the situation with him. I will never get too either. I have stared at pictures of him for hours,being a girly girl and day dreaming about what things will be like. I have reread our conversations and it is taking me everything I have to wait for him to get off work today. He is leaving in 2-4 months and I doubt that he will ask me to go. If he did, would I even go? But I have never been  more happy or filled with such an over joyous energy since Cricket went to hell. I finally understand what I could never wrap my head around, why would anyone want to be submissive?

Observation

Humankind...is tumbling down hill at a rather rapid rate. We are not progressing; we are fighting wars that began centuries ago over power and natural resources, we are debating topics that are no longer even worth talking about, we are wasteful, and most of all we are dumbing ourselves down. Humans are not even kind to each other anymore; greed and selfishness has become all too familiar.

ARTEMIVSK, Ukraine — Although government forces say they’re steadily closing in on pro-Russia separatists based in the eastern cities of Donetsk and Luhansk, the situation on the ground here remains fluid, with rebels staging counterattacks. Russian News

 The attacks come one day after President Obama authorized air strikes in Iraq if necessary. Iraq News

 Two Israelis were lightly wounded from a mortar shell In Shaar Hanegev Regional Council, and the IDF Home Front Command ordered the opening of all shelters within an 80 kilometer radius from the Strip. Israel News

 These are a few of the headlines I found today with simple searches. How are we supposed to transform into a Global Type I society if we can't even get along?

Presidential elections are coming up and guess what the topics up for debate are going to be? I'm sure you already know, they are the same topics that have been debated since your birth-abortion rights, budget, healthcare, social security, etc. When are we going to get progressive and start outlining public policy, legislation, and protections for things like Alternative fuel sources, Environmental protections,Sustainability, GMO's, Transhumanism, Cloning, Technology? These things are here people---right in your face, do you know where any politician stands on these issues? I am going to guess that they are going to take the side of the corporations that are producing and controlling these technologies.

Humankind has become so wasteful, I fear that we have forgotten that we are supposed to co-exsist with nature instead of robbing, stealing, and sucking it dry. Big Oil needs to end, there are more beneficial ways to produce the energy that we need. Look at what is happening to the world-how can you deny it?

Idiocracy: A movie that was originally a comedy, but became a documentary.

I am not even going to lie, this movie was hilarious! It does seem to represent the future of 'Merica!
Our education system is one of the worst in the industrialized nations of the world. Due to unemployment (which I do not see getting better) people are becoming lazier and adopting more of an entitlement attitude. Everything is competitive...competition based on the theory of natural selection is healthy, but when people are beating each other up every black friday for the 1 new video gaming system Walmart has in stock...absurd.

The thing that saddens me the most is that the people of this world are so bitter and angry, the actual essence of humanity is gone. Every human being wants to be accepted and loved. The someone is just different for everyone. It's emotion, something that sets apart from the other species on the planet. Some may think this emotion makes us above the rest or the species, I know first hand, how it can be a curse. Instead of telling you my life story, I am going to take a popular story and dissect it.
The recent blockbuster hit the Great Gatsby, which is based on a book written in 1925 by Scott Fitzgerald.

Gatsby has amassed a vast fortune in order to win the affections of the upper-class Daisy Buchanan, but his mysterious past stands in the way of his being accepted by her.

Character Analysis 

What saddens me the most is that Gatsby essentially died for Daisy and after all was said and done, all of the people that knew Gatsby and attended his parties...never even showed up at his funeral, neither did she.That says a lot...it says too much.
It is a reality of today, people are so caught up in themselves they just walk away. How have we learned to so easily turn off our emotions?

I don't want to be a part of this society, this callousness of an existence.  So I am figuring out ways to set an example and revolutionize the notion of change.

The day I found Jesus...

This one Friday night....

I went to the rock show....

to photograph a great band...

and I met a boy...

who has a thing for big hair...

he is a baller...

he screams at Spiders...

He loves the stars....

he makes me laugh so hard...

he has a stellar heart...

and can sing from his throat like a monster...

this boy from the rock show...

that they call  Jesus!

Lexi's woodland adventure

The day was gorgeous, chilly and clear...I found so many beautiful creatures, plants, lines, and flaws... I just had to share it with someone!

Click the link  -> Enjoy

Thesis for Mat

My relationship with my so-called best friend is rather confusing to many and in fact, has ended become the basic seed of jealousy in other relationships. I am always honest and up front with new people that come into my life. I tell them that Cricket is my best friend, he will always come first, and if I am put in a position to choose one or the other, I will choose Cricket. However, they think they can handle it-but in the end, they can not, thus the relationship dissolves. This might be a defense mechanism though because the right guy for me will know how to handle this situation to where I do not have to chose. Right now, Cricket is not being very useful to me, and is more of a burden, but my values tell me not to abort mission.
Cricket lives with me, I pay the bills, I take care of him financially. I have taught him the ways of being on the more responsible right hand path. He has a job making cell phone app's that is part time. He can not afford much and his pay is never steady. He can not get a real-life job for numerous reasons-the main one being his criminal record. This is not an easy task for me, although I make good money, I am not rich. We live in a two bedroom apartment and share a room because we have a third roommate who occupies the other room. He sleeps during the day and I sleep at night. I will not throw him out on the street or let him starve. However, I do not keep him here. If he wants to leave he can at any time. I complain a lot about him sometimes because I wish I didn't have all the weight of the world on my shoulders. So "why?" is probably what keeps going through your head.

It's simple. He saved my life. When I gave up and pushed everyone and everything away from me, he was the only person to walk in and treat me like a solider. He wasn't nice and lovey, he made me think and analyze the situations that kept me in a horrid depression. He was mean, he honestly and accurately pointed out my flaws every day. He never left even when I disappointed him, even when I tried to push him away, or walk away. He knows how I work and my darkest fears. For that, I love him, without any expectations.  Only one other person in my life, ever tried to really know me beyond the persona that I put out. That person, I told you about before, is the love of my life. I used to have Cricket on this huge pedestal  but he is no longer, we are equals, with our own strengths and weaknesses. When we work together, things happen, we impact the world. This is what I mean when I say the binary star.

Cricket and I are also business partners. We have a company called Wicked City Multimedia. The main goal is to bring art to the science community through different media facets. It started off the we were going to create the world of "wicked city" ( a metaphor for a postmodern world that is in Cricket's head) by making it a game. An rpg as we made the protocol then as we tested things out it was going on a virtual platform. The ideas in this game are very explicit. The world is vile, it is full of villains and vixens, a lot of left hand path ideas are considered the norms. It is a world in which humans and post humans exists  A lot of postmodern elements rule the culture and lifestyle. There is a story line that the gamers can follow. The story line is based off parallel events and people in his life. So when we were in this stage of thinking, it was imperative for the stakeholders of the company to address a character archetype when in the public eye. I naturally, decided to be a vixen. Cricket took on the role of being a villain and he mastered the idea of social game. Social game theory is an element to the role play, it is basically strategies to manipulate social situations to your advantage.  At this point in time, I began to visualize myself as this vixen type, and quite frankly it terrified me. I like being nice and sweet and naive. I am not a sexual harlot so to speak and actually before I met Cricket I hated having sex. Don't confuse that. I have NEVER as much as held Cricket's hand, let alone had sex with him. He just made me open up about my feelings on it and helped me reflect on things that have happened to me to make me such a prude. So we made a lot of progress with the company, but Cricket's brain works to fast for things to be materialized. I learned to love Wicked City. I got to put in my own story lines and ideas in places, I got to do some art inspired projects, and photography. So, as I am working on getting things done for the RPG, he switches modes on me.

This is where the lab experiment and the D/s game comes into play. He decided that because he is dominant in most social situations that he wanted to experiment with being submissive. There is a whole other element to this from his perspective (but it is his story to share), so anyways, I am submissive to him and therefore, I was not the correct person for the job. He turned to IMVU, however, to keep me in the loop he challenged me to try to be dominant in the relationships that I have. I do not really get off with virtual worlds, so I play this game in real life with people who want to do it. We have went to a few dungeons here and I even ended up taking one class on submission though! So now, you see why this is so important. To me it is an experiment to see what I can learn about sex, fetishes, and the community. To him, it is becoming a way of life. He wants to open up a dungeon and everything through our company. I am not so sure how I truly feel about it because it does relate back to some of the scenes in Wicked City. I think he is jumping the gun, we first need to put out our ideas and philosophies, then worry about making "theme parks". So tonight I am going to go talk to Zillah about all of this, he is the third stakeholder in our company. Wish me luck....

This one windy Saturday

I woke up this morning in a fit of rage. I was angry and wanted to kill him. My heart was beating fast. After thinking about what was going on, I realized that no matter what I do, how much I change, how much I help, how much care I give, it will never be reciprocated by him. He sees me as supportive and in his eyes, I should be happy that I am useful to him. However, I have never seen him be supportive of anything that I do, and as of lately he has been more of a burden than useful to me. I was enraged.That's when I rolled over...and I saw it....

 I saw the most beautiful sunrise I can possibly remember. It was clear after days of gloomy rain and sinus pressure. I opened the window and it was windy. As I breathed in this fresh new air, suddenly and instantly, the anger went away. It must have been swept away by the wind that blew in through the window. I know that there is nothing I can do to change his mind about me, so why I should I let it bother me? I am supportive and that is, in fact, a useful quality. I just have to remember that it is my choice, my will, of who I want to be useful to. I went about my day peacefully. I did things to the beat of my own drum. I was creative and social. I was productive. I was inspired this one windy Saturday.

Loser

I would have done everything for you.
Now you get nothing.
You will leave again.
I will not ask for you back.
My heart will be broken.
You will not even realize what you have done.