Well it is inevitable. I have tried to avoid this post for the greatest portion of life post Cricket as possible, but I can no longer repress my thoughts. It seems so damn fitting that he should be here to read it and indulge himself in being my lab partner...but oh touche...its really quite funny how life throws turbulent waves of well... unexplained shit in your face. So, you my reader will have to make an attempt to fill in the gaps.
I learned majority of what I know about your lifestyle from him. He carried it into the most nonsexual vanilla version possible for me and patiently stood there and answered my questions, slapping me across my face and torturing me in every way possible until I understood. One day it clicked. I got it, understood my role and what I was to do. Our relationship changed forever that day. Anyhow, the point of this has nothing to do with telling you how my best friend was a jaded version of my master...instead it is to share my journey since that day.
He left, in essence actually died and there is no bringing him back. He left me a part of him hidden in Mallory and at least she attempts to try and salvage what is left. I think she does it mostly for my sake, but her motives are foreign to me. I left too, I gave up my life because it was no longer worth living, keeping up a dead dream.
At first I mimicked him, I lived relentlessly and out of control. I slept in my car and showered in truck stops and gyms. I was angry at the world and very violent, sometimes it even appeared that I didn't even value myself because of the situations I put myself into. I still had absolutely no desire to care about people, more than ever I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to beat them and cut them, watch the blood trickle down their skin. I wanted to be evil and toy with their psyche, just to see them cry. I wanted to control them.
I took on subs for all the wrong reasons. I had the time of my life toying with their emotions and their dicks. Until one left. He was my first one ever. He didn't really leave me, he went to jail. But it pierced my heart enough to realize that these people are just like me. Though I am embarrassed to admit it, we are human. In an instant, every damn teaching from Cricket came flooding back to me: the majesty of humanity, the black light bug, and atrocity. After spending a month out in the wilderness of the west and over analyzing everything, I calculated a new path for myself. I realized I transformed into an atrocity and needed to dig myself out of that feeling.
I decided to breathe. I let it go and over a small period of time was ready to move on. I was beginning to change my perceptions and my choices. I became much more positive as I exhaled all of the negative energy I had harbored since the untimely death of my beloved lab partner. I reached out to Mallory and she was changed, her world that was so far away from me changed her, but my world had changed me. She tempted me to go back to my ways many times by telling me of all her adventures, but more than anything....I cringed. It is no lie, I was jealous, she had everything I once wanted, but then she showed me the consequences she paid for it. She had no idea who she really was. I also denounced the ideals of BDSM completely and chalked it up in my head to being eccentric...never attaching the label to myself and never really wondering why I was drawn to it in the first place.
Until I met him. This seems so extremely de ja vue as I sit here and type this,like I have typed it before, but I swear it is different. He is different. He is normal, he wears fancy dress shirts and a tie. He is not scrawny and his hair is neatly groomed, he has facial hair. He reads books like it's nobody's business and he has a very prestigious job. At first he appeared cautious and naive, even boring. I almost passed him by because of his apparent lack of confidence. I was so bored though, that I immediately reverted back to my ways of being in charge. I controlled the situation and asked him to question his "apparent" insecurities. It lead to the second greatest night of my life.
Those of you whom have been graced with my presence know all to well how open minded and thought provoking I can be when engaged in an intellectual conversation. He matched me! He dominated me but it was so gentle that I craved more from him. He actually gained my respect within 4 hours as to when I would normally be exiting in this time frame. He put me in my place and demanded my respect without even touching me. My mind is still spinning off of this and I am not sure how coherent it will be but here it goes.
He demanded me to do things that I totally despise, things that make me feel degraded because of notions from my past, yet I did them the best that I could. At times I was crying and inflicting pain on myself just to get through it and stay out of my head. He was never mean, yet he didn't give me completely what I am used to demanding. He was very in control of the situation and kept me 100% in the present. I did not get off. He gave me every element of what I wanted and I submitted myself to him.Today, it's driving me mad not to be able to control the situation with him. I will never get too either. I have stared at pictures of him for hours,being a girly girl and day dreaming about what things will be like. I have reread our conversations and it is taking me everything I have to wait for him to get off work today. He is leaving in 2-4 months and I doubt that he will ask me to go. If he did, would I even go? But I have never been more happy or filled with such an over joyous energy since Cricket went to hell. I finally understand what I could never wrap my head around, why would anyone want to be submissive?
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