Nothing More

There is nothing more in this world that I have ever wanted but to find true love. Today I learned that no matter what I do, with what type of person, or how much I try it will never exist for me. I have been told in the past two weeks by three people that my expectations are to high.

All I expect is for people to treat me the way that I treat them. 

Why is that so hard to comprehend?

So here it is all laid out, call me a villain, but these are my true thoughts about the current trends that  humanity has set before me.

#1 I took care of your ass, I paid the bills, I went to work everyday, I bought our food, I took you everywhere you wanted to go-even when we couldn't afford it. I gave you all of my time because you demanded it from and then pouted when I wasn't there. I made your dreams come true. I helped you figure out your problems, I was patient with you, I listened to you, I  changed for you, I took you to the hospital and wasted my time when you were hurt. I had faith in you, when no one else really did. Is it really that difficult to show your appreciation and hold a conversation?

#2 I am nice to you when I have no reason to be. You don't like me, you like the fact that I make you feel good about yourself. I thought because we felt the same way about a lot of things that we would connect, but there is no connection. I was honest, more honest than I have ever been with another human being. I was excited,  I was happy, I wanted this adventure, but today, you just made me realize, that there is no room for me in your life. I am not mad nor am I writing you off,  I just figured you out.

#3 You are the biggest problem of them all. You left me when I needed you the most. You left me to deal with OUR fucking problems, while you simply brush through life partying and mooching off of everyone that you can. My thoughts of love and beauty have become so deranged that I am loosing everything I have. Of everyone on this planet, you are the one I should hate, the one I should want to strangle or find dead in a gutter, but I don't. I can't and I never will.

I have learned  to understand most points of view and be the most open minded person in the world, I hold each of your dark secrets and I still love you regardless.  In the end, I am just as fucked as all of you, I can just function in society a little bit better. From these 3 examples anyone can clearly see that my life consistently repeats itself and has for the past 13 years. So why don't I change it? Simple: the rest of you fuckers bore me to death. Though my feelings are hurt today and probably will be for awhile, I live for the thrill and excitement. I do not regret a single choice that I have made, I have just learned that I have to be more cautious, and perhaps, like my 3 examples above, a lot more selfish.

The Masterplan

"Just you wait and see....I will become everything you never thought I could be."

So this opportunity has presented itself and I am taking it. I have three years to change my life around starting on Friday June 8, 2012. Here is what I intend to make happen:

~I need to take and pass my RHIT
~I will save money to fix my debt/credit
~I will dance
~I will obtain a new car
~I will publish If only You knew
~ I will save some sea turtles and at least one panda
~I will become a Vixen
~I will focus on being green and healthy.
~I will photograph Z on numerous adventures
~I will become more focused on my art and photography
~I will advocate for Transhumanism

These goals focus my mind; they are not in any particular order, they just need to be met. 

Ideals that I live by:

"Her train wrecked heart loves fairy tales..."

"Do not allow someone to become your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option."

"Follow your heart..."

(Focused on only one beautiful rose, the pure white one with crimson tips that blossomed from the snow.)

Closed

I am closed. I was willing to give anyone that inspired me everything I had in exchange for love. No one wants it. Now it is too late. I am closed. The walls are too high and I doubt that any person will have enough patience or drive to make it to the top. I am not mad or sad, I am simply closed. I no longer fear being alone, it is my destiny. Moving forward the only relationships that I will seek out are those that will help me portray my artwork. I am closed to anything else.

The sacrifice I have made...

I have sacrificed myself for you. I have given you everything I have including my heart. I did it your way, I did it my way, I even tried to do it our way. Nothing worked. You can blame me or you can be a villain, that is up to you. I take responsibility for my actions, but at least I knew that my actions were pure and out of love, the most innocent love a person can offer.

You cut me off mid sentence. You ignored me when this was supposed to be our adventure. I danced and I danced, I could not dance anymore. I left more times than not and you never even noticed. If that was my adventure, so be it. I could have done that on my own has I have many times in the past. Publicly humiliated and embarrassed. I can only imagine what all these people must think of me. No really I don't want to. It won't help.

I sat near that red truck for what appeared to be hours, though I am sure it was not that long. I watched five or six cars full of people load up and leave. Not one of them even asked me if I was ok. Says a lot for humanity. As my clean up crew came to find me, I wanted to be dead. You were not there, my best friend, my supposed partner in crime. I was so humiliated. I almost walked away. I didn't because I didn't want them chasing after me, I had already done enough.

Do you know what it feels like to have the world spinning as you fly through the night? The air was rushing in on my face and tears were falling down my cheeks like rain. I had to hold it together, there were too many people around. People I have no connection with, people who I feel like think they have to watch me and take care of me. Not out of love, but because it was your order to. I felt like jumping out of the truck, all I would have had to do was open the door. I could have. I remember the spot where I had this thought. I would have fallen hard and was hoping to have landed off the overpass. I closed my eyes and I pictured splatting down and felt the pain as my bones cracked and broke when I splattered to the ground, heavy. I imagined a car flying through unable to stop and pummeling over my body. Blood everywhere. I don't know if it would have just crushed me or perhaps it would have simply have shoved me off in another direction. When I opened my eyes, I knew something needed to change.

White dropped me off. I felt so horrible. He was the nicest sweetest person I have known, yet because my thoughts were focused on you, I was not very nice to him.  I told him I was sorry, I apologized, yet I still do not think that it is enough. The second I stepped through the door, I died.

I pushed everyone away because I don't think anyone understands. I have lost Z because of this. I cried, I cried rivers. I sobbed and my body internally shook for hours. I finally passed out for a few hours and when the sunlight started shining through the window, I was reminded of the previous night. You were not next to me. For the first time, I can actually say I was relieved. The anger and hatred that has built up in me right now, would have only fueled a massive attack. I knew that this must end. My muse, my hope, my dream, in this moment died. The decision has been made and I am standing up for myself, for the very first and only time, to you.  There will be no fight, no support group, nothing, You have simply become someone I used to know.