I have sacrificed myself for you. I have given you everything I have including my heart. I did it your way, I did it my way, I even tried to do it our way. Nothing worked. You can blame me or you can be a villain, that is up to you. I take responsibility for my actions, but at least I knew that my actions were pure and out of love, the most innocent love a person can offer.
You cut me off mid sentence. You ignored me when this was supposed to be our adventure. I danced and I danced, I could not dance anymore. I left more times than not and you never even noticed. If that was my adventure, so be it. I could have done that on my own has I have many times in the past. Publicly humiliated and embarrassed. I can only imagine what all these people must think of me. No really I don't want to. It won't help.
I sat near that red truck for what appeared to be hours, though I am sure it was not that long. I watched five or six cars full of people load up and leave. Not one of them even asked me if I was ok. Says a lot for humanity. As my clean up crew came to find me, I wanted to be dead. You were not there, my best friend, my supposed partner in crime. I was so humiliated. I almost walked away. I didn't because I didn't want them chasing after me, I had already done enough.
Do you know what it feels like to have the world spinning as you fly through the night? The air was rushing in on my face and tears were falling down my cheeks like rain. I had to hold it together, there were too many people around. People I have no connection with, people who I feel like think they have to watch me and take care of me. Not out of love, but because it was your order to. I felt like jumping out of the truck, all I would have had to do was open the door. I could have. I remember the spot where I had this thought. I would have fallen hard and was hoping to have landed off the overpass. I closed my eyes and I pictured splatting down and felt the pain as my bones cracked and broke when I splattered to the ground, heavy. I imagined a car flying through unable to stop and pummeling over my body. Blood everywhere. I don't know if it would have just crushed me or perhaps it would have simply have shoved me off in another direction. When I opened my eyes, I knew something needed to change.
White dropped me off. I felt so horrible. He was the nicest sweetest person I have known, yet because my thoughts were focused on you, I was not very nice to him. I told him I was sorry, I apologized, yet I still do not think that it is enough. The second I stepped through the door, I died.
I pushed everyone away because I don't think anyone understands. I have lost Z because of this. I cried, I cried rivers. I sobbed and my body internally shook for hours. I finally passed out for a few hours and when the sunlight started shining through the window, I was reminded of the previous night. You were not next to me. For the first time, I can actually say I was relieved. The anger and hatred that has built up in me right now, would have only fueled a massive attack. I knew that this must end. My muse, my hope, my dream, in this moment died. The decision has been made and I am standing up for myself, for the very first and only time, to you. There will be no fight, no support group, nothing, You have simply become someone I used to know.
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