Loser

I would have done everything for you.
Now you get nothing.
You will leave again.
I will not ask for you back.
My heart will be broken.
You will not even realize what you have done.

Visa Prepaid Giftcards....

absolutely suck! Never get them and think you are doing someone a favor...you are not. I made the mistake of accepting one as payment for some side work I did. I could not use it to pay the remainder of my rent. I went to use it to put gas in my car and they put a hold on the remainder of my funds. Funds that I needed to buy food. So now I am stuck here waiting for the days to go by so that I can access funds that are mine, with no food. When I mean no food, I mean nothing. I have ketchup and a bottle of water...oooo yeah! So thanks to the people who feel that prepaid debit cards are a great thing, they screw you over.

Only Time will Tell

So, if you follow my posts, you will have noticed that it has been awhile since my last one. I have tried to humble myself in the past month. I literally have given up everything. I have no phone, no lan line, no cell, no internet. I barely have money to eat and to put gas in my car to go to work. It has been rough, I have had to focus on things that I normally do not. It has been good, I went back to the basics and it helped. I know what and who I want. I have a new set of goals, so I am ready to break out of this shell and in one week, I will be.
I have lost many things on the way, but the one thing that I miss more than anything is sitting in the thrown room, pissing off my neighbors, and having deep philosophical conversations about fractals and onions. That is it, that is the only thing I really miss about that life. It seems really sad.
Only time will tell if this will be fixed.

Nothing More

There is nothing more in this world that I have ever wanted but to find true love. Today I learned that no matter what I do, with what type of person, or how much I try it will never exist for me. I have been told in the past two weeks by three people that my expectations are to high.

All I expect is for people to treat me the way that I treat them. 

Why is that so hard to comprehend?

So here it is all laid out, call me a villain, but these are my true thoughts about the current trends that  humanity has set before me.

#1 I took care of your ass, I paid the bills, I went to work everyday, I bought our food, I took you everywhere you wanted to go-even when we couldn't afford it. I gave you all of my time because you demanded it from and then pouted when I wasn't there. I made your dreams come true. I helped you figure out your problems, I was patient with you, I listened to you, I  changed for you, I took you to the hospital and wasted my time when you were hurt. I had faith in you, when no one else really did. Is it really that difficult to show your appreciation and hold a conversation?

#2 I am nice to you when I have no reason to be. You don't like me, you like the fact that I make you feel good about yourself. I thought because we felt the same way about a lot of things that we would connect, but there is no connection. I was honest, more honest than I have ever been with another human being. I was excited,  I was happy, I wanted this adventure, but today, you just made me realize, that there is no room for me in your life. I am not mad nor am I writing you off,  I just figured you out.

#3 You are the biggest problem of them all. You left me when I needed you the most. You left me to deal with OUR fucking problems, while you simply brush through life partying and mooching off of everyone that you can. My thoughts of love and beauty have become so deranged that I am loosing everything I have. Of everyone on this planet, you are the one I should hate, the one I should want to strangle or find dead in a gutter, but I don't. I can't and I never will.

I have learned  to understand most points of view and be the most open minded person in the world, I hold each of your dark secrets and I still love you regardless.  In the end, I am just as fucked as all of you, I can just function in society a little bit better. From these 3 examples anyone can clearly see that my life consistently repeats itself and has for the past 13 years. So why don't I change it? Simple: the rest of you fuckers bore me to death. Though my feelings are hurt today and probably will be for awhile, I live for the thrill and excitement. I do not regret a single choice that I have made, I have just learned that I have to be more cautious, and perhaps, like my 3 examples above, a lot more selfish.

The Masterplan

"Just you wait and see....I will become everything you never thought I could be."

So this opportunity has presented itself and I am taking it. I have three years to change my life around starting on Friday June 8, 2012. Here is what I intend to make happen:

~I need to take and pass my RHIT
~I will save money to fix my debt/credit
~I will dance
~I will obtain a new car
~I will publish If only You knew
~ I will save some sea turtles and at least one panda
~I will become a Vixen
~I will focus on being green and healthy.
~I will photograph Z on numerous adventures
~I will become more focused on my art and photography
~I will advocate for Transhumanism

These goals focus my mind; they are not in any particular order, they just need to be met. 

Ideals that I live by:

"Her train wrecked heart loves fairy tales..."

"Do not allow someone to become your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option."

"Follow your heart..."

(Focused on only one beautiful rose, the pure white one with crimson tips that blossomed from the snow.)

Closed

I am closed. I was willing to give anyone that inspired me everything I had in exchange for love. No one wants it. Now it is too late. I am closed. The walls are too high and I doubt that any person will have enough patience or drive to make it to the top. I am not mad or sad, I am simply closed. I no longer fear being alone, it is my destiny. Moving forward the only relationships that I will seek out are those that will help me portray my artwork. I am closed to anything else.

The sacrifice I have made...

I have sacrificed myself for you. I have given you everything I have including my heart. I did it your way, I did it my way, I even tried to do it our way. Nothing worked. You can blame me or you can be a villain, that is up to you. I take responsibility for my actions, but at least I knew that my actions were pure and out of love, the most innocent love a person can offer.

You cut me off mid sentence. You ignored me when this was supposed to be our adventure. I danced and I danced, I could not dance anymore. I left more times than not and you never even noticed. If that was my adventure, so be it. I could have done that on my own has I have many times in the past. Publicly humiliated and embarrassed. I can only imagine what all these people must think of me. No really I don't want to. It won't help.

I sat near that red truck for what appeared to be hours, though I am sure it was not that long. I watched five or six cars full of people load up and leave. Not one of them even asked me if I was ok. Says a lot for humanity. As my clean up crew came to find me, I wanted to be dead. You were not there, my best friend, my supposed partner in crime. I was so humiliated. I almost walked away. I didn't because I didn't want them chasing after me, I had already done enough.

Do you know what it feels like to have the world spinning as you fly through the night? The air was rushing in on my face and tears were falling down my cheeks like rain. I had to hold it together, there were too many people around. People I have no connection with, people who I feel like think they have to watch me and take care of me. Not out of love, but because it was your order to. I felt like jumping out of the truck, all I would have had to do was open the door. I could have. I remember the spot where I had this thought. I would have fallen hard and was hoping to have landed off the overpass. I closed my eyes and I pictured splatting down and felt the pain as my bones cracked and broke when I splattered to the ground, heavy. I imagined a car flying through unable to stop and pummeling over my body. Blood everywhere. I don't know if it would have just crushed me or perhaps it would have simply have shoved me off in another direction. When I opened my eyes, I knew something needed to change.

White dropped me off. I felt so horrible. He was the nicest sweetest person I have known, yet because my thoughts were focused on you, I was not very nice to him.  I told him I was sorry, I apologized, yet I still do not think that it is enough. The second I stepped through the door, I died.

I pushed everyone away because I don't think anyone understands. I have lost Z because of this. I cried, I cried rivers. I sobbed and my body internally shook for hours. I finally passed out for a few hours and when the sunlight started shining through the window, I was reminded of the previous night. You were not next to me. For the first time, I can actually say I was relieved. The anger and hatred that has built up in me right now, would have only fueled a massive attack. I knew that this must end. My muse, my hope, my dream, in this moment died. The decision has been made and I am standing up for myself, for the very first and only time, to you.  There will be no fight, no support group, nothing, You have simply become someone I used to know.

Aspirations

For as long as I can remember my goal in life was to make others happy. I have for so long taken upon myself to help, fix, and heal everyone else around me. I thought it was what made me great.  I have done some pretty erratic things and have dealt with some interesting characters along the way. That is not what this is about though.

Today my best Bug in the whole world and I had this conversation, which inspired me. I have had this thought for awhile now, just floating around in my head. "Follow your heart..." At first, this seemed even more ridiculous than what  I was doing, but over time, this idea has become more appealing.

The stage has finally been set, the characters cast, and the story is ready to transform.

The greatest adventure of them all...

is a game...one that is shared only with Z. I pick a destination and create the riddle which contains the place, date, and time.I post it somewhere he will look. I arrive and wait. He stalks me all over the world. Together we write a story. A story filled with the seven deadly sins; luxuria, gula, avaritia, acedia, ira, invidia, and superbia. A story that is captured in music,  photos and blogs, videos, and messy art work. We will call them charming illusions. Look for them, hunt them down, and you will see the beauty that I live for.

Z

Things happen quickly and they excite me, give a me a reason to grow, change, and move on. I have a new muse recently, we will refer to him as Z. Z has inspired me; to dream, to hope, to persevere. He is kind and patient, he is beautiful inside and out, and he is adventurous. I hope he captures my heart and I hope he becomes a guardian angel over me....

Affliction

This- whatever it is- just keeps replaying over and over in my head. Slightly different and stronger every time. It boils around in my brain, pulsing, just waiting to erupt to the surface. Red sloshing around, pounding against the smooth white bones that formulate my skull. Throbbing, I try to breathe.
My eyes sting as the tears are squished out from my closing lids. "Breathe." I say to myself. The fat droplets roll slowly down my cheek as I inhale. The air is cool and stale, it smells too much like earth. Disgusting. I "see" purple dots dancing around on a black background. Always, purple. Sometimes they whip and whirl across the dark canvas, other times though they just seem to float along without a care in the world. I often wonder why I see these little glittering specs when I close my eyes---do they mean something? why are they always purple? I am reminded of stars and the galaxy. Comfort and hope begin to trickle up into my body as I am begin to feel cool. Suddenly,I am brought back to the pain of reality when the door slams. I lay there pretending to be asleep. Trying to be silent and still until he is gone or I drift into another nightmare. Hoping that no one ever knows.

Extreme Couponing Adventure

The problem: 
So, as I realized that I really do not like spending hundreds of dollars a month on groceries, I would try this new fad of extreme couponing.
Course of action:
 I went and got the Sunday paper, sat on the couch and clipped coupons for an hour. Then I proceeded to print more from the inter-web. I classified them all. Then I looked at the flyers for all the stores. Man, I was lost! I set it all aside until today.
Adventure:
I went and took these damn coupons to every store trying to find the best sales, use manufacturer and store coupons. I searched up and down all the rows for the perfect buys! It took hours, and not to mention, probably ticked off people who had to maneuver their carts around me! I ended up buying products that I normally didn't even know existed. I wanted to get these freebies for some Starbucks drink  I never tried.  I was sure I could figure out where they were located. I saw a lady with half a cart full of them and thought I was one the right track. Wrong! After checking three, yes three different stores, I couldn't even find the product! Then, as I was checking out at one place, the cashier laughed at me, as I was frantically trying to lay out my items and place these valuable coupons on them. I don't know what his problem was, but I was just trying to make sure everything was correct! At the end of the sale, he did manage to tell me what I spectacle his wife has become doing the same things. (At least I am not the only one!)  Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I was  finally done.
The outcome:
A great laugh at myself. I must have looked crazy to some of these people! In reality, I managed to fill up the house with groceries and saved over $75.00. However, I did not get one item for free and I hope that everyone likes what I got! I also now have the money I need for my road trip this weekend! :P

White

The color of pure snow. It falls loosely, magically, down from heights so much higher than I could ever comprehend. It blankets me; cold at first, then soothing and warm. White engulfs me and embraces me tenderly for a split second and then is gone. I like white.

Train Wrecked

So, lately this idea  has been haunting me. I have been extremely mopey and miserable, not finding much enjoyment in life and I don't like it. So, I have devised all these little master plans to change it. I go into them with 150% effort only to get burnt out too quickly. My I-don't-know-who-he-is-but-stays-in-my-home person tells me that I need to just be. I need to figure out what is making me miserable and just accept it. So, I have figured it out, but accepting this notion is not jiving with me.
I am not inspired by humanity anymore. I have a hard time in finding it's true beauty because all I see is how selfish people really are. My spirit has been crushed and devastated a few times too many, especially by those who I allow to be the closest to me.
As an ambitious fighter, I feel that I have to keep going on until I figure it out; even if until the bitter end. So, as of today here is the master plan:
Do me, never set aside my passions for anyone else.
 Become the enigma; the girl everyone wants but can not have.
 Make people earn my respect rather than freely handing it out.
There is no free ride.
 Be the scientist and the observer pursue what makes me happy, never settle.
 Last but not least always find a way to live life and make it the most epic adventure!

Hello!

I'm LexiaJainZ.